Funny Pages


Clinic Rules You know you're a parent of a child with cancer when... Things We Have Learned From Kids
	Clinic Rules 1. Must have a good sense of humor 2. Must always do a good L.P. and B.M. (Bone Marrow) 3. Must always remember the toy box 4. Must tell the truth to anyone who wants it 5. Must like people 6. Must like junk food 7. Must know a lot about chemotherapy 8. Must not mind the sight of blood 9. Must like bald heads 10. Must never be grumpy The "Clinic Rules" a 7 year-old patient presented her doctors in 1984 still hang in the MGH Pediatric Oncology Clinic.
Top	You know you're a parent of a child with cancer when ... (Compiled by parents all over the web, and the list is always growing!) You carry a tube of Emla in your purse instead a tube of lipstick Kids with hair look kind of strange to you You can sleep anywhere, and anything that reclines more than 15 degrees looks "comfy" Your spouse asks what that sexy perfume is, and it's Betadine You don't realize the sharps container is on the kitchen table until half way through dinner You enjoy the drive at 3:00am to emergency because there aren't any other cars on the freeway You can name all the equipment used on ER You can dx the patients on ER before the Docs do You hear a truck backing up and you think the IV is beeping You are so proud when your baby finally gets hair (and he is 8)! Your new bathroom trash can has "Hazardous Waste" written on it (recycled sharps container) You can maneuver a double pole with six boxes and a kid riding, on a tour of the hospital, and make it back to the room before the low-battery alarm sounds and the kid has to pee You realize you've been home two weeks, and you're still measuring I's and O's The nurses stop responding to the IV alarm, knowing you'll fix it anyway Your child asks what's for dinner, and you automatically reach for the bag of hyperal Your 2-year-old knows where all of the medical equipment goes, and how to use it Your child's first word is a medical term You keep a bag packed at all times like you are 9 1/2 months pregnant You can eat with one hand while you hold the barf bucket with the other Your child's bedroom looks like a Toys R Us^® store You ask your CPA if bribe toys are tax deductible You correct the doctors spelling on the chemo meds You can read the doctors prescription word for word, and are asked to decipher it by the pharmacist You know medical terminology better than your family practitioner There are 4 new Mercedes in the doctors' parking lot due to your child's payments The pharmacy sends your family Christmas presents You get excited when there is a 15% off sale at the pharmacy The local needle program comes to your door You have a syringe in your purse and you're not a diabetic You have more meds in your cupboard than food You can read your son's chart better than his nurse You look like you're tan but it's really Betadine stains You and your hubby get matching stress tattoos for fun You start teaching your daughter the parts of her body, and you point to her chest, and she says that's her port None of the security guards on the pediatric floor ask for your ID anymore, and you're on first-name basis with the operating room staff Medical students ask to borrow your notes Your toddler refuses to sit on Santa's lap because he's too germy from all the other kids You wrap presents and packages with medical tape Your main source of nutrition comes from aspirin Your child is more familiar with CT scan & bone scan pictures than the portrait studio!!! When you use the term six-pack, you are talking about platelets, not Budweiser^® Your child is going on a field trip and wants to know if you have signed his "remission" slip Your child can easily pronounce "Neuroblastoma," "chemotherapy" and "coagulate," but has trouble pronouncing the state you live in Your child uses Legos^® to build "MRI" machines You don't have to ask, "What's that mean" to the previous 44 items You hear yourself say the words, "I'll buy you anything you want" at least twice a month You know you are the friend of a family with a child with cancer when you call to check the chemo schedule and ask, "How will her counts be on, say, the 11th?" before you schedule a birthday party You have been asked by more than 25 friends and family members, "So, when is his next treatment?" Your four year old's critique of the medical student's examination skills is the same as the supervising physician's A younger sibling identifies a nipple as "my port site" Your daughter has more Beanie Babies in her room than the specialty store in the mall You really think this list is funny, when most normal people either don't get it or start to cry! When your seven year old begins to sound like Doogie Howser, MD You give out barf buckets as birthday party favors When a Radio Flyer^® wagon is considered an essential transportation device When you walk down the hall in your house holding your baby and feel odd because you're not trailing an IV pole with the other hand When the siblings want to know what the child's counts are to see if they can go inside and eat at McDonald's You think nothing of taking your 3 year old into a department store in his underwear because he has thrown up on his last set of clothes and you are an hour away from home and have an important doctor's appointment Six months after treatment ends and the hair starts to grow back someone stops you in the grocery store and says, "I just love her haircut. Where did you get it done ?" When you send copies of this list to all your cancer-parent friends When your idea of funny is to ask, "Where's your line?" and then giggle while your toddler takes off all of her clothes looking for it—even though you know it has just been removed You can reset the IV machines overnight, in your sleep, every 30 minutes without waking up once and still call it a good nights sleep!!! You have a kid who did not wake up by 5 AM on Christmas morning Your kid takes more pills than you When you say "Get up and smell the coffee" your kid says "The coffee's going to make me puke" When your kid asks for a Happy Meal^® you don't say, "Wait until we get home to eat." Rather, "Really?" (unless of course your kid is on prednisone, when you say, "A Happy Meal or a Super-Sized Value Meal?") Your best friend buys you a relaxation tape for your birthday and you swear it doesn't work right You cannot try aroma therapy for yourself because the smells trigger nausea in your kid Your kid wears out a pair of Nikes^® pushing an IV pole around the hospital during BMT recovery The "CK" on your tee shirt stands for Chemo Kid, not Calvin Klein^® You make Jell-O^® with Pedialite^® You draw smiley-faces on your isolation masks Your kid has received enough get-well cards to fuel a small bon-fire Your child receives soooo many toys while in the hospital that at Christmas time that you can now open your own toy store When you are thankful for steroids because there will not be turkey leftovers after the Thanksgiving meal Every little thing can make you cry in a heartbeat, but this list, on the other hand, has you rolling on the floor! When your child is ecstatic because all she's getting is counts from her arm and a shot in her leg (Now that's a good day on the chemo ward!) You can tell the nurses where their supplies are When you can whip up a seven-course meal in minutes for a six-year old having a prednisone pig out When your child tackles you screaming, "I'm starving to death! Why won't you feed me?!" in public and you can laugh instead of scolding them for their manners You can make a variety of arts and crafts out of hospital supplies: isolation masks become turtles and spinal fluid tubes filled with glitter and baby oil make great key chains When the doctor finally enters the examination room and finds you and your child with latex glove powder around your mouth from blowing up the gloves The nurses and techs call out, "see you next week!" with true joy knowing that you will pass on all the get-well candy ("No way I can eat that, I'll throw up!") and the leftover "bribe-sicles" that you couldn't get her to eat When it's time for your 2 year to have her vital signs taken and she lifts her arm and sticks out her leg, without crying or fighting you Your child names pills after superheros When you are helping your daughter, the sibling, pull her hair into a ponytail and she says, "Look at my forehead, I have great veins there don't I? If I ever need to get a shot, I could get it there!" When you have a collection of "throw-up buckets" in every room of your house! At dinner your, one son refers to ketchup as blood and the son with ALL corrects him because blood is a darker red. The local small town emergency room calls you at home and asks what size huber needles to stock in case they have to access your child's port and then ask if you could inservice them.
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Top	Things We Have Learned From Kids :) Doritos taste good...even with mouth sores. If you put a pillow under your shirt, the nutritionist will think you have been eating real well. If you ask him, maybe Santa can make all alcohol swabs smell like Christmas trees. The worst part of the spinal tap is leaving the conscious sedation toys behind. You can put the real sticky white tape on your head, and when you take it off, your hair will come out in designs. It would be easier to take all those little pills if they would just put them into your tube. The spleen must make pills, because when you don't have a spleen, you have to take Penicillin all the time. Even if you are only 15 months old, a doctor should not try to take a chicken leg bone out of your hand until you've gotten all the good stuff off. Having a bone marrow sounds a lot like "bow and arrow". When you get poked in the office, you still get to go home, but if you get poked in the hospital, you're staying. The cancer warning labels on diet sodas don't matter if you already have cancer. No one should have to have a bone marrow or spinal tap on their birthday. Doctors will put off your spinal tap on Halloween if you come in dressed in a tiger suit. Happiness is knowing where to find 24-hour Taco Bells on Prednisone weeks. Top